


Brooklyn vs. Queens

by grohiik



Series: Hashtag Heroes [1]
Category: Hawkeye (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Comedy, Fraction Hawkeye FTW, Gen, Hawkeye is No Better, Headcanon, Instagram, Instagram War, Karen is a Good Bro, Social Media, Steve Rogers is a Child, Stop With the Instant Kill Mode Karen, so many hashtags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2019-02-26 14:52:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13238064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grohiik/pseuds/grohiik
Summary: After Captain America and Spider-Man met on the battlefield in Civil War, it could have been the beginning of a beautiful friendship. If only it weren't for those pesky Sokovia Accords and the fact that Steve Rogers is a fugitive. At least there's Instagram, where one off-hand comment sparks an epic (lite) battle of the boroughs: Steve and Clint representing Brooklyn vs. Peter representing Queens.





	Brooklyn vs. Queens

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for the end of Captain America: Civil War and a minor plot point in Spider-Man: Homecoming.

**i. Queens**

 

For an old guy that's kind of on the run right now, it's funny how active Captain America is on Instagram. Not, Peter mused as he scrolled down the good Captain's feed, that he was surprised. The Captain had done all of those creepy old-fashioned PSAs for the school, after all, which was something that had gone out of style decades ago. The whole superhero thing had made people really nostalgic about that kind of crap, even though they had proved _years_ ago that it didn't work. Abstinence education, pshaw. Did Cap even believe the words coming out of his mouth? Peter would swear that he had seen the hero snort a little in one of the PSAs.

"Did you see the video of Hawkeye doing trick shots?" Ned asked, his tone the slightly-dead, slightly-entranced cadence of someone who had been online for way too long. There had been quiet explosions and one instance of prolific cursing coming from the direction of his phone for the past half-hour. Ostensibly, he was looking up plans for building _Serenity_ out of Legos, but he had gotten understandably distracted by YouTube as he lounged on Peter's bed. (Peter was only mildly embarrassed that he still had the old Cap-and-Bucky sheets on, which were hidden beneath the comforter anyway, but no worries. His Cap-and-Bucky sheets were still awesome, no matter what anyone said. Even Mr. Stark. God, that had been embarrassing. Nothing like Iron Man judging your bedsheets.)

"Yeah, that was _so cool_. Not sure I'm supposed to find the long-lost maybe-villains superheroes cool, but it was _really awesome_." Peter grinned at Ned, who chuckled a little. Peter turned his attention back to his phone and kept looking through Captain America's feed. He had apparently popped into Brooklyn a couple days ago despite the fact that he was supposed to be out of the country. There was a picture of him outside of World Famous Deli in Brooklyn, holding a donut with his own face drawn on it in icing.

 _You know you're famous when…_ the post reads, followed by, _#brooklyn, #captainamerica, #brooklyn4life, #bestborough, #worldfamousdeli_.

Whoever had taught Captain America to use Instagram had clearly created a monster. Should Peter blame Mr. Stark? Probably. Mr. Stark was great, but he was also imminently blameable. Like, a real child, and kind of a jerk, so it was easy to say, 'Oh, hey, s'all your fault Mr. Stark, either get going or get helping because what good are you anyway if you're going to keep me from saving the day? And--' …What had Peter been thinking about again?

Somehow, Peter found his gaze drawn to that nasty little tag, #bestborough, which was _definitely_ Mr. Stark's fault, even if Cap had been the one to write it. Brooklyn, the best borough? Them was fighting words! "Oh it is on!"

"Found the instructions!" Ned said cheerfully, flipping his phone around so that Peter could see. Peter closed out of Instagram, but _did not forget_.

 

* * *

 

That night, Spider-Man created his Instagram account as he sat on the roof of the under-construction Delmar's.

"Oh, Rainbow _Dash_. This is probably a terrible idea," he muttered to himself as he started following every official Avengers account he could find. "But whatever, it's not like most of my ideas aren't terrible, and it turns out fine, right? Right. Right? Karen, is this a smart idea?"

The suit's voice was soothing as she said, "I'll make sure no one can trace you, Peter. Don't worry."

"Thanks, Karen. You're the best. Now-- oh god, the Widow has an Instagram? What the bleep is up with all of these ballet videos? Whoa, she sure is bendy. Never mind, ignore-- too weird-- okay--"

He dropped over the edge of the roof by balancing upside-down on a strand of webbing, feet clasping the sides of the strand and one hand still around it while the other reached out with the phone to take the shot.

"Say cheese!" Karen said, her voice light and teasing.

"Cheese!"

The picture managed to capture his grinning, masked face and part of his outstretched arm, behind him the iconic storefront and the broken Delmar's sign.

 _Brooklyn Shmucklyn,_ his post reads. _What's Cap thinking? Delmar's is clearly the best deli anywhere. Can't wait for it to reopen! #queens, #spider-man, #bestborough, #delmars, #brooklynvsqueens, #eventhedodgersknewbetter #captainamerica #gameon._

"He's probably going to think it's lame. Karen, you'd tell me if this was pathetic, right?"

"It _is_ pathetic, Peter."

"Hey! Why is even my Suit Lady out to get me?"

"Pathetic is when someone arouses pity by appearing vulnerable. You are revealing your insecurities to me, an artificial intelligence who has no frame of reference for human interaction besides those given to me by Mr. Stark, rather than discussing your problems with a friend, who might actually be able to help you. This makes you doubly vulnerable. By definition, you are pathetic."

"Well fudge."

 

**ii. Brooklyn**

 

Becoming an enemy of the state and casting aside the role he had worn for decades wasn't exactly an easy thing to do, but Steve had managed to make the best of it. He had regular check-ins where he sat outside Bucky's cryogenic tube and told him about modern life, so he wanted to make sure that there was actually something to tell him. Even if Bucky couldn't hear him, T'Challa had a number of cameras around. Bucky would probably see the recordings sooner or later, and didn't people always say it was the thought that counted?

Natasha kept calling him pathetic, but what did she know? She had fallen for a giant green rage monster.

Steve had to keep moving on, however difficult it was. That was why he found himself in the United States again, visiting old haunts and taking selfies in front of delis. Hawkeye had decided to tag along on Steve's impromptu break in blowing up Hydra bases. Steve was fairly certain that the archer had felt out-of-sorts ever since he was called out of retirement, and his gruff, "Always up for a road trip," had been welcome in Steve's book.

They were outside a café on the corner of the Commons in Ithaca. They had headed upstate, and planned to keep moving from here to Pennsylvania, then Virginia, North Carolina, back up through Washington, and finally a return to New York City before taking a plane to Wakanda. When a fugitive took a vacation, it meant that they had to make sure they were hard to track. Steve was in a baseball cap slung low over his face and Clint in a purple hoodie when he got the notification of a new follower on Instagram: Spider-Man. Steve had only met Spider-Man very briefly, but the kid had definitely made an impression. He was so _earnest_. He saw things in black and white, as evidenced by the way he had believed everything Iron Man had told him without question-- "You think you're right and that makes you dangerous" or whatever it was that Tony had fed him. He reminded Steve of himself back before the war.

Somewhat bemused, Steve opened up the kid's profile to see a familiar red and blue mask and the crumbling remains of a deli behind the upside-down superhero.

"Even the Dodgers knew better?!" Steve scowled.

"What?" Clint leaned over, swiping at the whipped cream on his lip from his mocha latte. "Why are we talking about the Dodgers?" He tugged the phone from Steve's hand and read the post. "Kid has balls, I'll give him that. Puh-leeze. Brooklyn for the win, all the way. Guys from Queens tried to kick my ass once. They all wore tracksuits too. Nearly blinded me with their awful fashion sense."

Steve shot him a side-eyed look. "You're from Brooklyn?"

Clint's mouth curved up. Smiling almost looked like it pained him, and maybe it did. Steve didn't think he had ever seen Clint without at least one bruise somewhere on him. "No, Iowa. But I lived in Bed Stuy before I retired and made up that little family you guys saw to cover my tracks."

"Made up?!"

"Conversation for another day, Cap. Why did you think it was so easy for me to team up again? Now… how are we going to respond? That was a call to arms if I ever saw one."

 

* * *

 

It took a couple weeks for them to make their way back to Brooklyn again, but as soon as Steve found himself standing outside of the gates of Coney Island, with a backdrop of soaring rollercoasters, neon lights, and spinning wheels, on went the mask and up went the selfie:

_Coney Island, kid. #brooklynvsqueens, #micdrop, #captainamerica, #spider-man, #bestborough._

It only took a few minutes after he posted the picture for his phone began to ring, the ringtone specially set by Clint to play Iggy Azalea's "Black Widow" on repeat, a cycle of _"A black widow, baby!"_

As soon as he picked up, Natasha said seriously, "Steve."

"Nat."

"Steve."

"Nat."

"Are you seriously getting into an Instagram war with Spider-Man? I would have expected this from Clint or Tony, but you?"

"Why, because I'm from the 40s? That's just ageist."

"When did you turn into a hipster? I didn't sign up for a hipster, Steve, because I really don't like hipsters. Frankly, their mustaches bother me. You are supposed to be _in hiding_."

"Nat, he mentioned the Dodgers."

She was silent for a moment. "Well, if he mentioned the Dodgers…," she drawled sarcastically. "Shut it down, Steve."  
Steve did not shut it down. Steve regretted nothing.

A couple of minutes later, Steve got a notification from Hawkeye, with the post reading: _Brooklyn beats Queens any day, Spider-baby. You think you can touch this? #brooklynftw, #brooklynvsqueens, #captainamerica, #spider-man, #bestborough._

The picture was of Clint as Hawkeye, perched on the very top of the Brooklyn Bridge. The entirety of the bridge, all arches and cars and lights, sprawled beneath him. He was grinning and flashing a victory sign at the world, eyes hidden behind dark purple sunglasses.

Natasha's text came through almost instantly. _Why is Clint doing it now? Stop. You're going to get caught._

Steve hadn't had this much fun in ages.

 

**iii. Queens Redux**

 

Peter couldn't believe his eyes. As he poked one red-gloved finger at the screen of his phone determinedly, he found a bounty of two posts in a row. Weeks of waiting to see if he got some response, _any_ response-- to see if Cap had even _noticed_ \--

"Mic drop!" His voice squeaked, much to his dismay. "No, no mic drop! Karen, we must retaliate!"

"Of course, Peter," Karen said gently. "Would you like me to activate Instant Kill Mode?"

"STOP WITH THE KILL MODE, KAREN! Just-- just suggest some locations already. I'll get the perfect photo sooner or later, and then there won't be any of his _mic drop_. How does Cap even know those kinds of words? Who's been teaching him that sort of language? It was Hawkeye, wasn't it? Karen, put Hawkeye on my list."

"Adding Hawkeye to your list of "Five Celebrities I'd Like to--"

"Not that list!"

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, so I spent my New Year's Day writing this and, like Steve, I regret nothing. There are not enough Homecoming-based fics yet, and I plan to make this a verse I can return a few times, eventually including Deadpool and turning Hashtag Heroes into an awesome Spideypool bit of comedy gold. No part of this fic should be taken too seriously-- this is just a bit of pure fun on my part and a way for me to unleash the headcanon I have going on.
> 
> I have not actually been to Brooklyn or Queens (though I did live in Ithaca for several years, which is completely irrelevant), so feel free to comment in support of Brooklyn or Queens, especially if you can give me reasons why one or the other is awesome!


End file.
